HANDLING MARITAL PROBLEMS

Changing our communication habits require awareness and practice

Notarius and Markman (1993) have trained couples to talk more positively to each other. But first the partners must learn to recognize their negative communications (the table above is a good summary of the common hurtful habits). Often we don't even know we are being nasty and hurtful. Also, some couples disagree so often that they just come to expect almost every interaction to become a disagreement; therefore, they hardly listen to the other person's opinions and start attacking right away. If your discussions almost always end in unresolved irritating disagreements, then why talk except to vent some of the vile resentment festering in your gut? Obviously, such couples must learn to talk differently. Notarius and Markman suggest the following procedure.

First, since negative communication may have become an unconscious habit, we have to be confronted with our comments and gestures that spew out negativity. One way is to audio or video tape one of your arguments and then review it together. Carefully observe every statement and movement, stopping the tape frequently and discussing openly the critical, hurtful, counter-attacking comments and looks. Another way is to have only one person talk at a time and have the listener give immediate feedback to the talker about how they (the listener) is feeling about each comment. Do this by using +, -, and 0 signs, meaning "that is positive and makes me feel good," "that is negative and upsets me," and "that is neutral and I feel okay." This feedback is an interesting, often eye-opening experience.

Second, both partners must study and practice "I" statements and good listening with empathy responding (methods 2 and 4 in chapter 13). It is helpful to have some discussions using these rules: each partner must carefully listen and accurately give empathic feedback to the person who has just spoken before he/she can express an opinion or reaction to what was said. This forces each person to hear what the partner is really saying and feeling... and it prevents the machine-gun like exchange of angry, critical comments. (Also, look for the attacked person's denial of responsibility responses and his/her avoidant, stonewalling reactions.)

Third, each partner needs to attend to his/her physiological reactions that signal being upset or mad or hurt. It isn't easy to do, but it is important to be able to stop a destructive, out-of-control exchange. So when either partner gets beyond the point of being civil and rational, you must learn to ask for a "time-out," taking some time to calm down. Don't just drop the discussion, however. Be sure to agree on continuing the discussion when you have had time to think about it more reasonably and less hostilely. A long string of negative comments can over-ride hours of ordinary conversation. Your feelings need to be communicated, but not in a vile, brutal, uncaring, unending manner, which happens when we get really mad.

Lastly, during a calm moment, it is very important that both partners realize (and maybe tell each other so) the secret, unexpressed feelings that often underlie the anger and criticism. What feelings are these? Frequently, feeling unloved, rejected, hurt or neglected gives rise to the cutting criticism and nagging comments. In other words, what we really want is more love, tenderness and attention but when those needs are frustrated, we respond with critical, hurtful comments and outrage about all kinds of petty annoyances. How sad that love turns so quickly to resentment. If the criticized partner can see the underlying reasons for the hurts and anger, the entire interaction can change. The hurtful comments are disarmed. The criticism is seen as merely a way for your lover, who wants to be more loving with you, to vent his/her temporary frustration. Look for the hurt little child behind the attacking, bitchy mask. If a couple can become understanding, get closer, and show they care, the marriage can be turned around.

Resolving marital conflicts

As we have just seen, we have a choice: we can "understand" our partner or we can blame him/her; how we view and explain the other person's behavior is crux of the emotional problem. And, how we explain or understand our situation, influences how we try to change those problems. Happy couples tend to accentuate the partner's good traits and motives as causes of his/her positive behavior; his/her negative behavior is seen as rare and unintentional or situational. The happy spouse, thereby, reinforces his/her partner's good traits.

In contrast, unhappy couples overlook the positive and emphasize the partner's bad personality traits and negative attitudes as the causes of marital problems (Brehm, 1985, pp. 289-297; Fincham & O'Leary, 1983). The partner's bad behavior is seen as frequent ("it happens all the time"), deliberate ("they know I hate it"), and wide ranging ("it effects everything we do"). Obviously, such mental explanations (attributions) are going to cause trouble and, especially, when conflicts arise, because we become much more concerned about understanding someone's actions when tensions mount. When breaking up, many of you have probably experienced a very intense need to understand why, to explain what happened. Perhaps we are looking for some way to handle the problem. Maybe we are just hoping that if we understand the situation, the agony will go away. But, if within our marriage our "understanding" has become intensely negative and hostile, our view of things must change.

According to Orvis, Kelley and Butler (1976), during conflicts we also become more self -protective, believing there were good reasons (usually situational--"I just went along with the others") for whatever we did. Therefore, when we start strongly disagreeing with others about why we or they did something, the conflict is hard to resolve. Each partner sees different causes. We tend to excuse ourselves but believe that evil motives or bad attitudes--"you only care about yourself"--motivate the person we are in conflict with. Being aware of the irrationality of our own thought processes can bring some rationality to the situation. See method #3 in chapter 14. Change your own thinking, and try to see and understand your spouse's viewpoint.

As discussed in chapter 9, once we start this kind of blaming or psychological labeling of the other person, the relationship is in deep trouble. For one thing, the next step is to conclude, "If this problem is your fault, only you can change it." While you are viewing yourself as totally blameless (probably untrue), you are also assuming you are helpless and can't do anything about the situation (probably untrue). Such attitudes only block change; try backing off, cooperating a little, and making plans for change.

Secondly, although we may complain later, bad-mouth them to others, and sulk, we are likely to stop saying something to our spouse about their disturbing behavior at the time it occurs. Seething silence doesn't help. Example: your spouse's constant interruptions burn you up but eventually you stop talking or walk away instead of saying, "You're interrupting" or "I'll talk when you'll listen." Share your feelings (tactfully, as with "I feel..." statements). Don't expect your partner to read your mind.

Thirdly, while "getting out of the way," being alone, and "keeping your mouth shut" are very wise reactions sometimes, they are mistakes if done all the time. Avoiding discussing conflicts and/or denying there are problems builds the emotional distance between spouses. If you don't talk about your feelings and thoughts, neither of you have a chance to correct the trouble-causing misunderstandings of the other. This self-protective approach (avoiding or stonewalling) becomes self-defeating. Men tend to avoid discussing their relationships. You must talk openly and calmly.

Fourthly, each person thinks the other should "make the first move to make up." Example: a couple goes to bed after an argument and both want to make up but he thinks, "She's still mad; I'll wait until she signals things are okay" and she thinks, "I'm not mad; I wish he'd reach out; he's so stubborn and he's not very affectionate; that makes me mad again." You can make the first move!

Finally, the worst way to try to change a partner is to say, "You have to change....or else!" The change demanded ("stop spending all your time with those people") may not be the change wanted ("show you love me "). Besides, ultimatums are resisted. Understanding the reasons, the meaning behind the demand for change, will facilitate change. Example: nagging your spouse to clean out the sink and put the cap back on the toothpaste tube isn't likely to work, but he/she may change if you honestly explain that the messy toothpaste tube by the dirty sink reminds you of your drunken, abusive, sloppy father who made you clean the bathroom after he vomited. People who understand each other accommodate each other better. Changes are needed in both spouses, not just one.

Remember from chapter 6 on depression that our optimism about changing the future depends on whether we think the causes of the unpleasant interactions are changeable or permanent. Uncontrollable causes are often permanent personality traits or characteristics (of you or the partner), such as selfishness, hostility, need for attention, stupidity and so on. These are an angry person's favorite explanations. Or, uncontrollable causes could be unavoidable situations, such as an illness. Controllable causes are temporary behaviors or circumstances, such as "having a bad day," "I approached it wrong," "it was an oversight" and so on. You can do something about the controllable causes; that's hopeful. Even being self-blaming can be hopeful if you feel the power to change yourself is in your hands. So, thinking in terms of controllable causes may lead to hope and more effort to improve the marriage. Whereas believing the causes are uncontrollable leads to despair and giving up on the relationship, "I could never stay with such an awful person." You can control how you think.

Awareness of these interpersonal dynamics can be helpful (Hendrix,1990; Doherty, 1982; see chapters 4, 6, 7 & 9). If we understood others as well as ourselves, if we were as generous with our positive interpretations of the causes of their behavior as we are with our behavior, there would be less marital discord to suffer through. Not only must we change our "attributional style" from negative (blaming) to positive (see the good and understand the bad) but we must at the same time change our behavior (decrease the hate and increase the tolerance). This is no easy assignment to carry out in the midst of a heated emotional conflict, but try to remember the above points. When we disagree with another person there are only three options: fight it out, withdraw, or negotiate a compromise (see method #10 in chapter 13 for resolving conflicts). Look for compromises that offer hope. Be understanding. Plan together and carry out cognitive and behavioral changes. Accentuate the positive in your loved one. It is important to "debrief" after a fight and learn from it (Wile, 1995); unfortunately, most couples avoid talking about the fight. We can learn to find solutions and get along.

Power struggles in marriage

There is an old adage about love: the person least in love (least needy) has the most power. Other truisms are: "you can't make anyone love you" and "when his/her love for you dies, your power over him/her is gone." Of course, there are many other power bases in marriage besides love: money, goods, services, sex, status or authority, friendship and respect for the partner, threats and punishment, useful knowledge, personal appeal and pleading, and others. All of these can be used to motivate or direct the other person; all can become a battleground.

In chapter 7 we saw that men tend to use anger, authority, and logic (knowledge) to get their way, while women use sadness (tears) and appeals of helplessness to influence their husbands. In our culture, at least in the past, male domination is approved; indeed, if the male isn't successful and doesn't earn a good living, he finds it hard to get respect. The lack of success, such as unemployment, is more distressing for married men than for married women. Conversely, being the breadwinner may be very hard but it is less stressful than being a spouse who needs to be a breadwinner but can't get a job. It seems to be generally true that having power is enjoyable and being powerless is stressful. However, in the specific instance of female-dominated marriages, neither the husband nor the wife, who has power, tends to be happy, not as satisfied as spouses in egalitarian and male-dominated marriages (Gray-Little & Burks, 1983; Horwitz, 1982).

It is commonly speculated that a person with high needs for power and control over others is secretly or unconsciously insecure and anxious. Such people presumably try to deny their weaknesses by dominating others. For example, an extremely insecure (and emotionally disturbed) man might abuse his wife, as in the film The Burning Bed. Research has shown that as men get more education they experience less and less need for power. In general, this is not true for women, in fact just the opposite, women want more power as they get more educated. This is probably because women have to fight for power in school and the work place even if they are well educated, whereas men are given power and respect along with the educational degrees (Veroff & Feld, 1971).

In any case, the need for power has profound effects on love relationships for men, not necessarily for women. Consider this. Undergraduate males with strong needs for power as shown by tests, compared to males with weaker needs for power, were found to have had more relationships with women in the past but have poorer relationships with their current partners. They also loved their current partners less than men with less need for power and they foresaw more problems in the relationship, expressed more interest in dating other women, and were more likely to leave the relationship (Stewart & Rubin, 1976). What happens to these power-oriented college playboys? They move into the business world and eventually marry women who are less invested in a career. In other words, these men shift from dominating women sexually to dominating their wives economically. Does this mean they feel inferior? Not necessarily, they may feel superior (if that's possible without underlying insecurity). It is interesting to note, however, that college males who married highly motivated career-oriented women had less need for power, felt more need for close relationships, liked college, got higher grades, and, in general, seemed to be more secure (Winter, Stewart & Mc Clelland, 1977).

Unfortunately, there is little research about the details of the many struggles for control that occur in marriages: Who will do the laundry? cook supper? change the diaper? go to the store? handle the money? decide when to buy a car? get a degree first? initiate sex? plan the social life? make the big decisions? Yet, we do know that even after women go to work full-time and should have more "power," they still do more than 50% of the child care and housework. Certainly, falling in love doesn't perform miracles and erase forever the desire to have one's own way, although for the first few months of courtship the self-centered tyrant is amazingly transformed into an accommodating charmer. It helps in marriage if you both have similar interests and values, equal educations, equal incomes, and are truly willing to compromise. When a disagreement arises, be sure to consider together the pros and cons of several alternatives. Don't get locked into a win-lose battle where either I win and you lose or the reverse. Strive for win-win innovative or compromise solutions (see negotiating in chapter 13 and Campbell, 1984). Jones and Schechter (1993) guide women around impossibly dominant relationships so she can reclaim her own life.